I have far too much time these days to just sit and think (actually sometimes I just sit), and among things about which I think are what I call “WTH” stuff. This being a family newspapers, my focus in on “Why the Heck” would anyone think that’s a good idea?


Running with the bulls at Pamplona. I’ve sustained injuries just sitting down and milking a cow in Lancaster. You add horns, speed and town full of targets — you’re asking for tossing and perforations.

Hitchhiking. Why not just stand roadside with a big sign around your neck, “Available as primary subject for future episode of America’s Most Wanted.” That way, you don’t have to bother with luggage.

Bungee jumping. I’m not terribly fond of the way down, but the way up really puts me off. The way down in bungee jumping, the way up could be bugnee bumping. First, you’re hauled up short with a bone-separating jerk, then your head bungee bumps against the bottom of whatever you used as a launch pad. Bridges, a favorite launch, are notorious for being made of iron and standing pretty much solid.

Tornado chasing. If you sit in one spot long enough during a severe thunderstorm, chances are pretty good that a tornado will find you. And if you manage to outrun a 120 mph wind, you’ll save gas if you haven’t had to turn around to dodge disaster. It’ll be a one-way chase.

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Drag racing on public thoroughfares. Why not just sit in your car on a busy street/road, waving unloaded guns and yelling threats at passersby? Couldn’t scare me any worse than meeting up with amateur dragsters.

Zip lining. Flying birds can bring down an airliner, it’s not likely your camo tee-shirt and Bermuda shorts will make you goose-proof. And you can always swallow a bug walking through the timber.

Scuba diving. Ye gods and little fishes, sharks are unbiased, they’ll eat anyone, air tank, flippers and all. Lots of tanked fish can be seen while you enjoy a steak at any near-by Bass Pro or Cabela’s. Even really expensive steaks are more cost-effective than plane tickets to the Bahamas. Besides, you can’t buy an ak-47, stuffed ‘gator, stink bait or fudge on a coral reef..

Space traveling. In my opinion, people who’ll strap themselves into a rocket and let a 10-alarm fire blast them into endless nothing are already about as spacey as you can get. You don’t age as fast when in space? You wanna be younger, sit on your sofa and lie about your age.

Base jumping. Just like bungee jumping, only you don’t get to go back up. Unless you happen to land on a rocket with a 10-alarm fire...

Riding a roller coaster. Zip lining without a rope.

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